Back, back, back again

I’m not even going to apologize for not writing on here. I didn’t start this blog to constantly write on it even though I thought I did but I just felt like writing on here today. So many things have changed since the last time I checked in. I have finished uni, thank god! I graduated with a first which I am so fucking happy about. At one stage, in my first semester of third year, I really thought I had made the wrong decision by changing to business, and it suddenly occurred to me that there was a possibility that I wasn’t going to graduate with a first and that absolutely terrified me. I know that getting a 2.1 wouldn’t have been the end of the world but I had pretty much consistently got firsts, and had built it up in my head that I could do it so I was going to do it. And I fucking did it. So then came the huge move back to London. You know it’s so weird, the entire 3 years of living in Birmingham, all I have wanted to do is move back home. Everytime me and Cameron would come back for a weekend, and we would have to do the dreaded 2 and a half-hour car journey back to Brum, I would just say to myself, ‘its not forever’ and I knew that sooner or later, uni would be up and our time in Brum would be at its end. It’s crazy to think we did three years up there. Where did those 3 years go? I feel like a completely different person now its mad. So now we’re back, and I can’t actually believe I’m even admitting this, but I fucking miss aspects (keyword there) of Birmingham. I don’t know whether its the space, the freedom, the routine, but something I definitely miss. I suppose the big one is routine. I grew so accustomed to mine and cam’s little way of life, cooking dinner every night, our coffees on Saturday mornings in cafe Nero before I started work, our Aldi and Asda food shops every Sunday, its the little things that really make a difference. Plus we were both working, cam full time and me only 12 hours, but we had a little bit of money to just do things like a cinema trip or a take away every now and again but now we have nothing. I know it’s not forever, but I’m just sick of having no money. I’m sick of having to rely on people for everything. But I know it’s not forever, and soon I’m hoping things will go back to normal. I recently got a job which I’m super happy about. Although I don’t start for another 3 weeks, which is fucking annoying, I’m happy nonetheless that I will finally be earning money again. It’s a recruitment job, which I’ve never done before so I really really hope I enjoy it and am happy with the company. There are definitely some perks with the job like free breakfast and lunches on Thursday and Friday, but ultimately I need to enjoy the actual job and hopefully, the money will improve as time goes on. It’s in London which is what I wanted, I wanted that London grind, the waking up early and getting the train into central London, the busy hustle and bustle of city life, but again, let’s see how that pans out. I’ll probably be moaning that I’m tired 24/7 and have no energy to do anything but I’m trying to think positively. Also, as were nearly in the middle of August, this means that September is around the corner and hopefully some cooler weather. The heat recently has been absolutely fucking disgusting. Honestly, I can’t remember a time where England has been this hot. 38 fucking degrees, like is that a joke? Global warming at its finest. What I’d give for a cool, crisp morning and some heavy rain that doesn’t result in thick humid weather that lingers around and make my hair go Hagrid 101. As soon as it hits September, I’m hoping that Autumn comes asap, and I can enjoy my favorite time of the year, especially October, and then the new year will be upon us soon and I can venture into 2020 in a job I will (hopefully) be enjoying, and in a much better place than I am now. For some reason, I just can’t seem to get back onto Slimming World. I’m too scared to weigh myself, I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s true. I need to just have a good 2-3 weeks, wait until I’m feeling better in myself, then I might step on the scales. I just can’t fathom the amount of weight I’ve probably put on and I hate myself for it. It’s like I just can’t stop myself. I know that I shouldn’t, but I just keep thinking, oh it’s not too much, it’s not too bad, this would make me put back on all the weight I’ve lost. It’s a fucking stupid mentality to have because this is exactly what happened last time and sooner or later the weight piles back on which seems to happen overnight and I’m back to square one. But I’m determined to not let that happen. As of today, I’ve drawn a line under the last 2 or so months and I’m really going to try my hardest to stick to SW, as my graduation is in less than 5 weeks so I want to be feeling the best I’ve ever felt.

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Back, back, back again

Whilst I sit here, watching the second episode of Call the Midwife, (yes I realise I am late to the party), I thought I’d write another post about staying motivated. For some reason I feel so motivated recently for everything. It truly is a great feeling.

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I’ve been pondering about what it is that’s making me feel this way and I think its a culmination of things. First, I am 2lbs away from losing 4 stone which is just crazy to me. It’s such an achievement that I’ve even got to this point because when I piled all the weight on, I honestly thought ‘well thats it then, I’ll never be as slim as I was before and ill just have to live in this body that I’m miserable with’. Fast forward 5 years and it got to a point where I literally just couldn’t look at myself in the mirror I felt disgusted with myself but for some reason couldn’t bring myself to actually do something about it. It’s a vicious circle it really is. People say ‘If you’re that unhappy then you’d do something about it’ but it really isn’t that easy. Yes, I was miserable, but I had a loving boyfriend, an amazing family, I was working towards a degree, most things in my life were great apart from my weight and I refused to let it get me down all the time. I thought ‘One day I’ll lose it’ and that day is finally here.

I intend to lose another stone, well 16lb to be precise as of right now, and then I’ll be back to what I was when I first met my other half. That will be a real mile stone as like I stated before, I NEVER thought I’d lose this amount of weight again. So right now, even though I’ve still got more to lose, I feel content and happy with my body for the first time in such a long time. It’s a weird feeling to be honest.

Secondly, I am so close to finishing uni and I can not wait! Yes, I am stressed 90% of the time, but I am just such a perfectionist and want to do well that it sometimes clouds my judgement on how much I’ve achieved so far. A part of me is excited but also scared out 06dc0a86ba8d12e01f2f20a95a5f6c1e--uni-motivationof my mind because this life that I’ve lived for nearly 3 years is about to come to an end and I’ll be going back to my hometown and back into an environment that isn’t really me anymore. When we left, we were kids. That’s a fact. I was 22 and Cam was 23, but we’d never lived alone before, never had to pay bills, never had to food shop for ourselves and just be each others company 24/7. We were truly naive to the fact of real life and for that, I thank these 3 years for teaching us the way real adult people live! I was ignorant to how expensive life truly is and I’m almost ashamed of how much I took for granted whilst living at home. That being said, it will feel so alien to us when were back and we don’t have to pay all these bills and were not skint for months on end but we are going to try and save, lets see how that turns out!

So I think this motivation surge I’m having at the moment comes from just being proud of myself and grateful for what I’ve learned over the past 3-5 years. I’ve changed as a person for the better and will be moving back home a happier person and ready to start the next chapter of my life as ridiculous as that sounds but hey ho. Whatever degree classification I end up with, I will be happy and thankful for what this 3 years has taught me and I even feel like I’m going to miss Birmingham a little. I never thought I’d say that. Ever.

Until next time!

BB x

Feeling Unmotivated

I really really hate this feeling. I don’t know why I allow myself to feel this way because I know it doesn’t help anything but I’m human and I can’t help it I guess. I feel like I know what causes it too and I’ll tell you right now.. it’s straying from my routine. Let me elaborate.

So when I’m up here in Birmingham, I really try and stick to slimming world because not only do I lose weight but I also just feel great in myself. I’m really more positive and I think that’s because I know I’m striving towards a goal. Then there’s uni work. So when I’ve not got assignments to do I feel really unmotivated because I feel like I’m really not doing anything productive. So when those two things get added together, I get this overwhelming feeling of being a unproductive, procrastinating, lazy gross slug. Thats the best way to put it. Another frustrating thing is that I have a gym membership so I ask myself, hey, why don’t you go to the gym? And a part of me will think, what a good idea, then it actually comes to leaving the house and I have this overwhelming feeling of, I really can’t be bothered. So ultimately I’ve only got myself to blame.

 

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Visual representation of me. 

We’ve just been away to Prague for Cameron’s birthday which was absolutely amazing, and boy did we make the most of it! A full week off plan, (slimming world lingo) and we really look forward to that because we constantly are eating healthy but then coming back to reality is that much harder and I really struggle to get back into that mindset! Also, I’m sort of at a hiatus (had to google the spelling for that one ha) with my dissertation as I’ve done a pretty big chunk of it but need my supervisor to check it before I feel comfortable moving on. Of course I get the supervisor that is always busy, typical. On a positive note, I have like 6 months left until I finish uni completely and a part of me is like wooooohoooooo but then another part of me is like.. shit I have to seriously think about what to do with my life now. Again, I start second guessing myself and thinking well I definitely couldn’t do that job, or I don’t have the experience for that one, Oh they DEFO wouldn’t hire me because x,y and x. Uhhh why do we put ourselves down like this! I need to take some of my own advice sometimes but it’s hard!

I keep finding all these great internship jobs but I can’t bloody apply for them because I haven’t finished uni yet. I did apply for this documentary scheme yesterday, which I know has absolutely nothing to do with what I want but hey, it can’t hurt can it to apply! I doubt I’ll hear back but you never know. I do think that would be quite funny though, considering my entirely family work’s or had worked within some aspect of the film or television industry and I have strayed so far from it, never really had a desire to follow in their footsteps and now I’ve applied for that scheme. A big part of me recently had thought I should of gone down the same route as my family, I would of have some connections and maybe of been in a secure job at my ripe age of 24 now. But hey ho, I suppose everything happens for a reason.

I do feel better after writing these little blog posts, I really ought to do it more often. I’m going to try but I’ve said that before so we shall see!

Ciao for now

BB x

I’m back – Life update: Job, Uni and Weight Loss!

Wow, worlds worst blogger officially goes to me. I cannot believe I haven’t written a post since March 2018! It literally feels like yesterday I decided to start my own blog and I feel super disappointed in myself for not keeping it up. So I thought what better time to start it back up again than the new year.

So, after reading the last post I wrote, SO much has changed its unbelievable. I got a job yaaaaaay me, which I started in May of 2018 and I absolutely love it! It’s a retail job which I’m actually really surprised that 1. I even got it as I’ve never worked specifically in retail before and 2. That I actually love it! I’ve heard so many horror stories about retail jobs but as my last post clearly states I was desperate for any job and thought I might as well apply for something I’ve not done before and in all honestly like I said I didn’t think I’d even get a response let alone get the job! So yeah, that aspect of my life is good now.

Then there was uni. Gosh where to even begin. So as I stated, I was unhappy with the course I was on which was true and when the time came to seriously think about what I was going to do for my third year I made the decision to change to something completely different and lets just say it’s not been easy. I obviously knew it was going to be hard and I did want it to be harder as well, I really felt like I wasn’t pushing myself in the last two years at uni and isn’t that what uni is supposed to do, push you? Well I fully did not feel pushed at all so I made the decision and moved over to Business. So there I am, ready to kill my third year, excited, nervous, just ready too finish to start my life properly. And at first everything was ok, I felt like the work was doable, and I was doing it to the best of my ability, and then the first hit happened.

So one of my assignments was this E-debate that I really wasn’t too worried about. I wrote my first point and then a couple of days later someone replies to my point and completely and utterly rips me apart. He went in brutally and made me feel like the biggest idiot ever. It’s safe to say that was the starting point of the worst 2 weeks of my life (yes I know that sounds dramatic but its honestly true). Then, just as I’m getting over that I get the first grade back and I didn’t do as well as I expected so I felt a little down and then annoyingly I do this stupid thing where I compare myself to others and a couple of girls I’m friends with at Uni did much better than me so I instantly fell down this horrible whole of self doubt and embarrassment. 1,2,3 days go by and I am still in this awful headspace, I was having sleepless nights, constant crying and just an overall feeling of being a failure.

Fast forward a few weeks and the pain is still there but I’m over it (kind of) just gradually thinking less and less about it. And now the Christmas break is over, I have a few more weeks to finish up the Methodology section of my dissertation before I go back for my second and LAST SEMESTER HOLYYYY CRAP. I have never been more excited to finish something in my life! I have enjoyed aspects of uni but boyyyy am I ready to leave. So I get the next few grades back at the end of January and I am really going to try and not be too hard on myself. I have made a resolution to accept my abilities and be proud that whatever I do and whatever mark I get I should be happy with as I always try my absolute best. I’m just going to smash out the last assignments and really try hard on getting my dissertation to the standard I want it at. Fingers crossed it all goes to plan!

Then theres weight loss! So ever since I can remember I’ve always been the ‘bigger’ girl. Growing up I’d hate it, then hate it even more going into my teens and then I had my first big super crush on this idiot arsehole and I managed to lose a lot of weight and got down to a size that I’d never been before. This was when I met my now boyfriend of 5 years and yep, you guessed it, 5 years of putting back on the weight and more, ALOT MORE.  So not long after I started writing this blog, I decided to try slimming world again, for the 1000000 time and really gave it a go. I meal planned, went food shopping every Sunday, stuck to it and even started exercising (not a lot but anythings better than nothing!) So gradually, as time went on I started to lose more and more and now in January 2019 I would say I’ve lost about 3 stone which is such a major achievement for me as I hadn’t lost more than a stone in so long! My aim is to get down to what I was when I first met Cameron, so I’ve got another 2 stone to go and then I’d like to lose another stone and a half before my graduation and holiday in July which is doable if I just properly stick to it and go to the gym!

So there it is, my life update thus far. I really want to make more of an effort to write these blog posts as I feel it would be really good to read them back and reflect on what my life was at that moment in time and see if I’ve grown since then or my my case shrunk weight wise! A message to future Bella, keep your head up and don’t get distracted by what other people are doing, focus on yourself and being the best YOU YOU can be. It is good enough and you should be so proud of how far you’ve come.

BB x

Optimistic or delusional?

 

I felt like writing a post like this today as I myself am feeling pretty low. Its hard for me to admit this as something I always pride myself on is my optimism and its something I always joke around with my sister about as she is truly the complete opposite to me – a pessimist! Now she will sometimes agree with me on it however more often than not she tells me to shut up so we’ll wait and see what she says after she reads this (If she actually does decide to read it, lol). But for the moment, I just felt like venting a little. And where better to do this than my new blog. ayyyy
So recently I’ve been feeling kind of down, annoyed, frustrated, you get the gist. I understand that most people over the ages of whats classed as ‘Millennial’ often think that my generation expect things to be given to us without working for them. I sometimes agree with that statement however its so infuriating when you actually really try for something and you’re not seeing any results. By this I’m talking about my struggle at the moment to find a job. Now I will admit, I am pretty fussy when it comes to jobs. It’s one of my not so good personality traits. I could blame it on being a Gemini as we’re known for being quite indecisive, however I’ll just put it down to general fussiness and my natural aptitude for getting bored easily. I tend to find a job, stick with it for about 6 months, thats usually the cut off line for me, don’t ask me why but its happened on numerous occasions. I think, personally, that it comes down to feeling motivated, inspired, driven etc and all the jobs I’ve had so far start off good, then 6 months comes around and BAM: I get the overwhelming sense of ‘this isn’t right for me’. Then I have to go back to square one and find another job, start at the bottom, work my way up to a point where I’m no longer considered ‘the new girl’ and then the cycle starts again. This not only makes me seem like I can’t hold a job down but also doesn’t look great on my CV. I’m what is known as a ‘job hopper’. Thanks to whoever created that term.
So now I find myself in the following predicament. Do I ‘try’ and emphasis on the ‘try’, to get any old job, something that I know I could easily do but will probably hate or do I try and apply for jobs that are a little out of my comfort zone, less likely to get but more likely to enjoy as I like to challenge myself. Oh the decisions. So for the past 2-3 months I’d say now, I’ve been applying for an array of different things. If you’ve read my last post, you’ll know my skills and qualifications are in Beauty, however after doing treatments for a few years now, I have discovered that its stiflingly boring for me and I get no satisfaction anymore from making someones toenails look human again. Nor do I enjoy ripping wax of vagina’s (the horror) or listening to posh middle aged women complain that their gel varnish hasn’t stayed intact even though they’ve been gardening and washing up with no gloves. No, sorry, Good bye. So this now leaves me with a slight (big) disadvantage as apart from being a therapist, and nursery nurse/nanny (do not recommend for anyone who needs adult conversation to stay sane), what can I offer to potential employers? This is where I am struggling and my current situation is.

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So I recently had 3 interviews in one week. This was great. After so long without any response from anything I could finally see the light. The potential to finally have a job. The possibilities were endless. I started to fantasise about what my job life would be like in each of these positions. And yes, you guessed it – I didn’t get any of them. SHOCK. Two of them I wasn’t really that fussed about, I still tried my hardest to impress during the interview and I thought they went quite well, evidently not. But the third place I was truly gutted about. I REALLY wanted it. I even sold two bloody products whilst being observed on the shop floor and I’d never been in a ‘proper’ retail environment before so I was convinced I’d aced this interview. I got along well with the manager, the other girl who was working and I could truly envision myself being happy working there. And then to top it all off, I received a generic email that would of been sent to all the unsuccessful candidates and I was PISSED, (heartbroken) but PISSED. I even felt like going into the shop and demanding to know why I was not successful and what someone else did better than I. Obviously I didn’t and won’t do this as I’m not a complete psycho but I have had several glorious day dreams about how this would go down.

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So anyway, after spending a few days moping around the house, feeling rejected and that nobody wanted me (this is where having a boyfriend compliment you daily is useful) I then decided to get my act together and start thinking seriously about what I was going to do. I feel like one of the reasons I probably was not successful in getting those jobs was down to my availability due to being at Uni. Annoying but true (I think anyway). So I decided, instead of trying to find permanent part time jobs, maybe I’d be better off looking for placements, internships, work experience in the field I actually want to go in to. Something that would actually benefit me in the long run instead of a job doing something completely not relevant to my career aspirations. So since my little epiphany, I have been scouring the internet looking for PR and Communication internship opportunities. And let me tell you, its not been a walk in the park thats for sure.
As I am forced to accept the fact that Birmingham is certainly no London, when it comes to work opportunities, I have only managed to find a handful of PR companies in Birmingham and I think at this point I’ve pretty much emailed most of them and as you can probably guess, have not had a response from a single one. Now some of them don’t claim that they even offer work placements or experience/internships so I wasn’t that hopeful with those companies but others that do I’m still waiting on a reply – if one ever does come that is. I might be waiting a long time. I have considered trying to find opportunities back in London and pursuing it from that angle, however it really wouldn’t be fair to leave my boyfriend Cameron here to work and live on his own (bar Sansa, our cat/child) as he only moved here to stay with me! So I’ll have to keep trying to look for opportunities in Birmingham and knock (email) on everyones door until someone responds to me! I’ve got to find something, anything at this rate! (pls)

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So going back to the whole idea for this post, I got slightly side tracked venting about how these jobs did me wrong, ha. I am trying to stay optimistic. It is hard, I have bad days like every one else, more like sad weeks, months at this rate! But I am desperately trying not to lose hope that the universe will give me something to go for and I will smash it the best I can and prove that I can do anything that I put my mind to, or at least try!
I will update my situation if anything changes, hopefully it won’t be too much longer! And you know what they say, chin up and all that! Ta, BB x

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Get to know me…Hi!

Well hello, hi, welcome!

This is to be the first of my blog! eek! I don’t know why I haven’t started it sooner, everyone (mainly meaning my mum) has been telling me to start one for ages and I suppose I just felt like.. well my life really isn’t very interesting so why would anybody want to read about it! ha (sob). I’ve decided to call it: Belle’s blog. I realise that’s probably the most basic and least catching name but who actually can think of a good name that hasn’t already been used! (send help). Back to why I haven’t started a blog sooner – I used to have quite a fun, outgoing lifestyle when I was younger, by this I mean I used to go out clubbing every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, living life (cringe), with my best friend and did not have any worries in the world – Oh how life has changed! I think (depending on how this goes) I will probably write a post about my former life; pre-Cameron (boyfriend) and my cat (Sansa). I am happy by the way! I just realised it sounds like I’m sad about it haha, but I’m really not, my life is much more stable and I’m happier now for sure!
So a little about me thus far. Isabella is the name, however most people either call me Izzie or Bella. 23 years of life, favourite colour: Black (cue unfunny joke; like my soul, sorry, couldn’t resist). I’d say I have quite an obsessive personality, but not when it comes to actual useful things such as cleaning or fitness, but with Harry Potter, Game of Thrones and RuPaul’s Drag Race. Ask me a question and I’ll know it. Not joking. I hate my photo being taken, so do not expect many pictures of me on here and to wrap this up I am originally from Twickenham. If you don’t know where that is the best way to try and explain it would be its home to the Twickenham Rugby Stadium. If you still don’t know and are interested, (I’m sure you’re not but just humour me) then you can check on google maps x.
Currently living in Birmingham as thats where I go to university. About to finish my second year in a course that I’m not really happy with but hey.. I’d like to think that a lot of students realise after a while that what they’ve chosen to study is not exactly what they imagined it to be like or they have an epiphany, (a rather late epiphany in my case) of what they want to do in life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I even got the chance to go to Uni, I never thought it was in the cards for me, nor did I think it was ever something I wanted to do. However, once I grew out of my careless, living life clubbing days (as stated above) and realised.. crap, most employers these days like people to have a degree and also that, not to toot my own horn, but I had much more of a brain than I, (and most other people, barring my mum, lol) thought, I then decided to quit what I was doing at the time, which was looking after kids as a nanny, (worst 6 months of my life), side note – I might do a post about that! And go back to studying Beauty. I know what you’re thinking, but it is a lot harder than people think and gets such a bad rep for being an easy course for people who can’t do anything else – I should stop here because it infuriates me and I could ramble on for hours about it.
So anyway, back on track, I’m finishing my second year in Spa Managment and have decided to change and do Business in my third year. I’m sure it will be harder and I will probably be far more stressed however, my last two years doing this course have not pushed or motivated me at all and I feel like if I came out of University, not feeling like I’ve really pushed myself to the fullest, especially in a subject that really pigeon holes me – by this I mean that it doesn’t give me many options in regards to applying my degree to different things. And what’s crazy is that when I first started Uni, I had all these ideas on what I wanted to do in life, how I was going to use my degree in spa to get there etc, but throughout these two years, I’ve discovered things about me that I didn’t even know – like how I love writing and have a real passion for it! Plus that I must be fairly good at it as my assignment grades are mostly all top marks (I realise that is the least humble statement, forgive me pls). So this led me to thinking about maybe pursuing a career with something to do with writing and additionally bugs the hell out of me for not doing a journalism degree! (Deep exhale). However, my main aim now is to get in to PR and Communications. Thats the goal. I expect you’re thinking .. well thats random, however after doing some research, I feel this industry suits me perfectly. I’m not shy, (if you ever meet me this is quite evident I believe) and I’m a Gemini! – we are ruled by Mercury the house of communication! How much more of a sign do I need! No pun intended. (I am very in to astrology, if you hadn’t guessed by that totally irrelevant comment). Of course, I think I have other traits that suit this industry but the fact I’m a Gemini just sounded the most relevant (joke). How I get there is still a little murky, but I am determined that if I see it through it will become possible. I’ve read blogs, articles, and posts from people who are within this industry who have said that they’re degrees are nothing to do with PR, so I’m staying optimistic that once I’ve graduated something will fall into place and my journey into my career will flourish. Fingers crossed anyway. Can you cross yours for me too? It would be much appreciated.
So I think I’ve probably rambled on enough for today about me, but I don’t think it went that badly for my first attempt! I guess I will carry on with more ‘stuff’ to do with me or whatever I decide I’m in the mood for blabbing about that day. Ta, BB x

It is your determination and persistence that will make you a successful person. – Kenneth J. Hutchins.

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